Watermelon - Hot Sugar, Open Mike Eagle

First I’mma march through the DoubleTree™

And make all the residents watch I Heart Huckabees

I’ll start five free festivals

For people brave enough to show their IQ test results

The government should issue people roller skates

Only optional for the elderly and the overweight

All politicians should get replaced

So when they lie, somebody’s there to punch them in the face

I’ll put brushes on everybody’s fenders

To free the city budget from shoveling all winter

Bless municipal ticketing department papers

And no memorizing street cleaning parking hours

Make P.E.

instructors show their figure for

An English professor’s teach Cappa’s verse on Winter Warz

These kinda thoughts should fly like a chopper propeller

But they give all the talk shows to that Costas fella'

With this brain I should’ve been had some mozzarellas

I tried getting attention, I did lots of yelling

God dammit, I’mma smash me a watermelon

You think I’m playin'?

Somebody pass me a watermelon

A big, fat, red, and black-seeded watermelon

You think I’m playin'?

I’mma smash me a watermelon

I ain’t playin', somebody pass me a watermelon

A big, fat, red, black and green-seeded watermelon

(Muthafucka)

Of course I do my shows double-dare style

Do you see this ridiculous ass hairstyle?

I’m bald on the top like Kojak

But curly on the sides like the hairs on my ball sack

Yeah, I put my money where my mouth is

You see how big this motherfucking couch is?

And mainstream America’s afraid of me

Shit, I taught Jimmy Kimmel his ABC’s

Ha!

See that wick?

We’re evolved from winters

Cause saber-tooth tigers tried to eat us all for dinner

I’m descended from the ones that were smart enough

To hide in a cave and learn to write in the dark and stuff

And motherfuck Carrot Top

He carries props but that’s where his merit stops

He’s a Vegas lounge act, I’m an astronaut

When I hear his punk ass gets laughs, I’m shocked

I book my own tours, fuck taking half the box

Ain’t talking guns when I say I let the hammers pop

God dammit!

I’mma smash me a watermelon

You think I’m playin'?

Somebody pass me a watermelon

A big, fat, red, and black-seeded watermelon

I’m not playin', somebody pass me a watermelon

I got a hammer, I’mma smash me a watermelon

A big, fat, red, black and green-seeded watermelon

(Hella subversive)