The Darkest Night Ever - Jean Grae, Black Panther

Whispering rain awoke me.

The curtains drifting slowly

The hint of dusk and twilight, gray sky, daylight folding

Next to a lover recovering from a hangover slumber

Twisting the sheets around my legs, slipping deep in the covers

Reached over, felt nothing.

Sat up, contemplated his leaving

Called out his name and heard nothing but the sound of my breathing

Feet swinging on the floor, shuffling sleepy on the slippery wood tiles

Today, the hall is feeling like it’s miles to go.

Splash water on my face

Handle business—not in that order.

Head to the kitchen

Get a cup of java.

Grab the remote, flick on the coffee machine

Flop in the La-Z-Boy—easy chair, sighing

Feet up on the table.

Pressing buttons.

No cable.

Stand up

Smacking the TV, throw the remote across the room and start

Cursing—I'm heated.

Pick up the cordless phone

What the fuck?

Dial tone’s missing and it’s fully charged

Headed back in the kitchen, thinking «Maybe I blew a fuse»

Try to switch on the lights and get nothing but confused

Coffee still cold.

Open fridge.

Dark as hell

Freezer dripping.

No electricity far as I can tell

I’m straight bitching now, complaining out loud

Throw on a sweater and slippers, thinking «I'm ‘bout to go out on a super

tripping»

Stepped out on my door, locked it.

Put the key in my pocket

And took the stairs a flight, headed to his ground-floor apartment

I’m must’ve knocked for five minutes, ringing bells, banging

Calling, tapping, peeping through the mail slot.

This nigga

As much rent as I’m paying, there’s always something broken

I’m thinking of rent-striking when the front door blows open

That’s strange.

All the tenants always lock it

Looked over, walked up to it, closed it.

It just opened again

I let it swing.

It’s strange.

Peeped out into the street

Silence was deafening—never heard nothing quieter

Except for nothing.

No one’s out.

Lights are nonexistent

And I mean no sound, no silence, no laughter

No crying, unhappy children.

No one walking

No one standing.

No one fighting, no one driving

Just water falling.

Just me calling out

Into the deadened air.

Panicking, getting no response

Trembling.

Tripping down the stoop, searching the block

Kicking doors, I started running.

I started running

As the light is leaving, silently retreating down an empty hall

Ran some blocks, stopped for nothing.

There was nothing to stop for

Throat getting raw from screaming, crying, pleading

Hoping just to see something, anything moving

I’m breathing like the air was made of knives, choking, falling

Scraping up my knees.

Body shaking like rustling leaves

Upchucking and dry-heaving, pushing random doors open

Running down a subway station, seeing scattered cars and choking as

Purses and bags laying, drinks and trinkets scattered

No sign of blood splattered.

What the fuck happened?

There’s no sign of the struggle.

Just vanished—everyone

Please, God.

Let me be dreaming

Ran back upstairs, tried every phone—dead

Every building—nothing.

Every store empty

Getting darker now.

Collapse hysterical.

Beating my head

Against the pavement just to test my consciousness and lost it

Woke up in pure darkness, thinking it was over

Under a blanket or scarf, the rain beating heavy.

Head bloody

God, kill me ‘cause you sure don’t love me.

Got up and stumbled

To a bus stop.

Sat on a bench, looked at my hands bleeding

Face streaked with dirt and tears streaming down

Never slowing, rocking back and forth, wailing into the sky

Praying for it just to end.

Why would you leave me like this?

What have I done wrong?

Was it lost of faith?

Maybe I’m in hell.

Just tell me something.

Am I going insane?

I want to wake up.

Please say it’s not the worst nightmare ever

And if it’s not, end it now and just take me up

I’d rather see a tunnel in a light.

Wake me up

Don’t leave me in the darkest night ever.

Hunger escapes me

Sad, but no, didn’t even measure time.

Just started walking

And darkness chased me.

The cold air raped me

I let my body go numb, float wherever the wind takes me

Waiting for the end to come.

And as she waited for the opposite of the beginning

A million-and-one thoughts spun in her head

Was this death?

Was she awake?

Had the rest of life been a dream and this is the reality?

She ran until her legs stopped working.

And her sweat dripped red

There was still nothing.

A flash of light

And a silence softer than silence

And then a darkness blacker than blackness

And then she was still.

And then she was still

As the light is leaving, silently retreating down an empty hall

Whispering rain awoke me.

The curtains drifting slowly

The hint of dusk and twilight, gray sky, daylight folding

Next to a lover recovering from hangover slumber

Twisting the sheets around my legs, slipping deep in the covers

Reached over, felt nothing but a sense of repetition

Called out his name and heard nothing.

Headed to the kitchen

Shuffling sleepy on the slippery tiles.

Today, the hallway seems to go on for

miles

Flick on the coffee machine.

Flop in the La-Z-Boy—easy chair, sighing

Kick my feet up on the table.

Pushing remote buttons, getting nothing

Stood up suddenly, panicking, frantic

Ran to the phone and checked it—dead.

Hitting the lights, started crying

Bolted out the door into the pouring rain, started running

Once again, the sound of nothing ringing in my ears

Like it’s a hundred church bells at once.

Body turning numb again

Worse than déjà vu, it’s darker, it’s colder than

The reverse of fire.

I feel like imploding

Six-shot-bullet-loading, thinking now, tearing down the block

Looking for gun stores, anything to blow my brains out

Hoping lightning hits me from a heavy rain cloud

I cry a million rivers, screaming for deliverance

And end tonight in suffering.

Can’t speak.

My soul shivers

And she ran until her legs stopped working

And there was still nothing.

And then a flash

And then she was still

As the light is leaving, silently retreating down an empty hall