Milton Jacobson - Momus

Make yourself like Milton Jacobson

To get ahead in vaudeville

Burlesque in Detroit Michigan

To get ahead in vaudeville

Forbidden nights and burning moments

Playful girls and savage crime

If you want to get ahead in vaudeville

Be a witness to the march of time

If you want to get ahead in the showbiz game

Be sure that your ideas are fresh

Does anybody have a toothpick, ma’am

Has anybody got boiled eggs?

We’re going to play a game of Screeno

While the girls kick up their legs

If you can tell a joke about the eggs I broke

Or a man who had a dog called Sex

Bone 'em up in Barnum’s Lexicon

The words that pull the biggest crowd

'Sexotic, sexquisite, sexsational'

Make sure your poster’s extra loud

Get girls from the Accordion College

Gigantic reptiles can be nice

Busby Berkley wheelchairs, my oh my

Bums dressed up as bears on ice

You’ve said such lovely things about my handlebar mustache

You’ve said such lovely things about my hat

Here’s a genuine semi-precious stone

I just wanted to tell you that

I’ve been watching with binoculars from opposite the theatre

And you’re a lovely person, but

You’ll never get ahead in vaudeville

If I catch you with your hand in the till

(One more time)

If I catch you one more time with your hand in the till

You’ll never get ahead in vaudeville