Tune Into The Madness - Dan Bull

Good evening, do you know any good monsters?

Did you ever swerve your car at today’s top speed

Of thirty-five miles an hour into an automobile?

Do you ever do the dishes for your wife?

I should say not

Mrs. Carter doesn’t really mind washing her teflon-coated pans

New, vital and fashionable

Fond of children?

Well, it’s only natural

Yes, you can’t get away from it

There are branches everywhere

And it’s safe?

Yes, sir

Deep down, down between the trees

Nestled in the laves, gleams a TV screen

Near a small lad sitting in th tall grass

It’s an odd transmission to be broadcast

Listen as we talk dark thoughts and soar past

The watershed line before your bedtime

You’ll panic like a rabbit that is caught in headlights

Reckon we’re manic?

Of course, you’re dead right

You better exercise more caution next time

Or you’ll end up in tomorrow morning’s headlines

Obituary, nothing more than «born and then died»

And not a single family member or a friend cried

Tune into the madness

Tune into the madness once more

Tune into the madness

Tune into the madness, encore

This remarkable offer, the first and only one of its kind

Delicious, nutritious breakfast cereals

Shot from guns

Yes, sir!

You could buy eight additional teaspoons

Oh, look who’s come for tea, are you sitting comfortably?

All of the children better sit still then

‘Cause when little kiddies fidget then I kill them

Class is now in session, time you learned your lesson

Stare into the glare until your mind is effervescent

Bubbling the troubling, you’ll find it less depressing

Open up your eyes, you’ll be surprised what you might let in

The violent and the tragic, hiding in the static

This silent, enigmatic child had better pack it in

And leave the schedule to the grown-ups

Revel in the pestilence Auntie Beeb throws up

As a result of long continuing results in commercial explosives

Pepsodent’s new, improved formula cleans teeth whiter than ever

Mhm, it certainly does

Tune into the madness

Pictures handpicked to be sickening, queasy

Tune into the madness

Transfixed and bewitched by the flickering TV

Up, hold up, don’t touch that dial

Look at our isle of muck and bile

With a saviour clad in a paper bag

That must be one ugly child

Gaze into the space between the pixels on the screen

There, you’ll see a place between the signal and the screams

Feel the oscillation of the crystal in your dreams

Just switch off your brain and let it sizzle in the beams

These scenes, some viewers may find disturbing

Violent and unnerving, frighteningly alluring

Slightly stomach churning, why would you be turning over?

Oh, so many programs for discerning viewers

Who are just like you

Eyes locked to the box for the schlock like glue

Shambling in their droves, scrambling their lobes

Get mangled in the strobe ‘til you’re cross-eyed too

Here’s a message to millions of people

Who are continually pale and washed out, weak and run down

All I do is bring you pounds and pounds of baby food

Good, lean butcher’s steak, very satisfying cake

Impress this fact upon mother

Boys and girls have overactive oil glands

Don’t say it like that!

You’ll make her sound ungainly

Tune into the madness

Tubes swimming with miasmic blackness

Tune into the madness

Sit glued to your viewing apparatus

Izzy, wizzy, let’s get busy

Such a pity diddy kiddies threw a tizzy

Don’t be silly, what’s the trouble, little Timmy?

Itty-bitty nippers should be giddy for the TV

Strange lights are disguised in the bright glare

Daytime television’s hellish in the right mindset

Too much time staring’ll make your eyes square

Any more, you’ll end up like that child there

Can’t toggle off the gogglebox so pop another bottle top

Top up your cup and sup the propaganda, prost, mazel tov

They say it’s challenging to break a daily habit

Pacified into paralysis, a state of telly addicts

Maybe one day, the cathode rays will be chromatic

Bringing colour to the pallor of the faces in the static

Taking off the mask, my behaviour is erratic

Claiming to be sane but I’m just asymptomatic

Wait, did you hear that?

Someone’s pacing in the attic

What in the blazes could be making such a racket?

Ooh, I say, you gave me a fright there

I think I’m having another little nightmare

Tune into the madness

Urchins channel-surfing and subservient to the sadness

Zoom in with the cameras

Squirming as the sermon’s stirred into your hippocampus

Cream

Not a soap, not a liquid but a dainty cream

It covers everything easily and beautifully

And what an eyeful they’re going to get

Mhm!

Mhm-hm

Feast your eyes 'til you’re anaesthetised

Lead a peaceful life for the cheapest price

No need to seek advice or plea to Jesus Christ

In the deep of night, you’ll really see the light

No one observes just how ominous the world is when monotonous

Channelling the brightest minds

Until they turn witless and ponderous

Their alertness is interred in this infernalest sarcophagus

The absurd and the preposterous, burned in by the phosphorus

Uncertain what lurks under the surface of your consciousness?

Observe it and you’ll learn that it’s perturbing

Sick and monstrous, keep surfing through diversions

Uma Therman’s new detergent

Normal service will return after a word from our sponsors

Ladies, what’s your problem?

Gracious!

I’ve nothing for the Johnson’s yet

Keep calm, folks

Buy the gifts that will look more expensive than they are

Two-hundred different formulations of dynamite

So powerful that it’ll kill a rat

Press this secret button right here

And an authentic western pistol pops out and fires

Tune into the madness

A bountiful lineup of schooling and comedy

Huge wins at the Baftas

Bound to be prizes when you’re every nominee

Tune into the madness

Tune into the madness, once more

Tune into the madness

Tune into the madness, encore

No guest is ever really happy without the right kind of tea

Well don’t keep staring at it, taste it

Getting high on life could be habit-forming

You just can’t grow up fast enough, can you?