Bisbee Thrill Ride - Doug Stanhope

Because we moved to a small town In Arizona.

We live in a town–Bisbee, Arizona.

It’s a beautiful

little town, 6,000 people on the Mexican Border.

It’s far away from anything And anyone, but you

have to, Like, be polite to people.

It’s not like here, “fuck you Faggots,” and I run out the

Backdoor, and I don’t come back For two years and– And people do, they’ll just Bring their

children to a party.

They don’t even ask.

Like who would think that’s okay To bring kids?

It’s like

you’ve invited me to Your wedding, and I go, “just Brought chickens with me.

I got a pen full of

chickens.

I won’t even ask.

I’ll just bring them and assume That’s okay.

“I brought my chickens.

Yeah, congratulations.

Yeah, they squawk and peck and– But they won’t hurt anyone They’ll just

fucking bring this Whole shindig down.”

So you try to be polite, Passive-aggressive, “oh yeah, You

you might not wanna bring Your kids to this party.

There’ a lot of my comic friends Are gonna be

here.

It gets out of control.

And then they’d think you’re Worried about their kids.

No, I’m

worried about my party, Asshole.

“oh, come on, don’t worry about The kids.

They’ve heard every

word in the Book.”

Yeah, except for fuck off, they Haven’t heard those words often Enough ’cause

it’s a party, man.

“put them in a corner, they’ll Entertain themselves.”

Yeah, while they irritate

Everybody else.

It’s partying.

My friends are doing fucking Rails of prescription drugs They’ve

chopped up, crush a Giant line of adderall, and they Snort it off a coffee table and Get to the

end, and then your Fucking pie-faced kids playing With a goddamn choo-choo train.

“ah!

Oh!

Ah!

I wanna go home.”

It’s a buzz kill.

It’s horrific.

That’s the only drugs to do in Bisbee.

It’s kind of a

dry town.

Drugs come through Bisbee, That’s what’s fucked up.

We’re on the Mexican border

Where they have border patrol, National guard, minutemen, Militias, trying to stop the Flow of

aliens and drugs coming Through, but all those drugs are coming through, they don’t stop.

I’d

lived there six years.

It’s the driest place I’ve ever Seen.

So I can–there’s no weed if You–I don’t

smoke it, Occasionally, but there’s blow That’s torn apart and stepped On.

It’s like a 3-2-blow.

Hey, little local, gotcha, huh?

A little local gotcha.

Hey, I’m so clever.

Here’s a big night in Bisbee.

Sometimes I’ll take two Xanax And two laxatives at bedtime, And I’ll play chicken in my sleep.

That’s a thrill ride.

That’s a hometown thrill ride Because it’s kind of like three Highs at once,

because it starts Out as a downer, turns into Gambling… Wakes up as a huge amphetamine, Like,

“oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.”

You do that on the road, it’s Not really a risk ’cause that’s Not really

your bed.

But you do that at the house in Your own tempur-pedic, you wake Up with a jolt.

“ah,

oh, oh, oh, oh.”

Won again, I won again.

Double or nothing?