My Piss Stinks - Doug Stanhope

I have comics that will call me Up because of the economy, like, “dude, how you doing on the

Road out there?

You getting beat up?

Like, how–” You go like, I drink as much As I ever drank,

yeah.

I feel like shit physically, but I’m not like–I’m not in agony But I feel lethargic for years, Or

decade maybe.

It’s just my piss stinks.

That’s not normal.

I was in fucking anchorage for a

Summer solstice at Becker’s House, outside I’m pissing on a Pine tree, and they’re having a

Barbecue.

I’m like 20 yards away pissing on a pine tree, and my buddy Billy, bad fireman says,

“dude, is that your piss?”

You could smell my piss?

He’s like, “god damn it, what’s wrong with

you?”

I don’t–I don’t know.

I don’t know.

My kidneys are fucking defective?

I don’t know.

Taking

a leak on a tree in the Great wilderness of Alaska should not be a “who farted?”

situation.

So

maybe–yeah, maybe I’m Getting beat up, like, my Internal organs.

I shit.

I shit a lot during the

day, but I always–I mean like ten times, But not a lot of product.

They’re just like clumps, and It

comes out in a consistency.

If it’s not just sheer liquid, It’s like thick mud.

Do you ever see history

channel, And you’re watching like g.I.’s In world war ii trying to push a Jeep out of deep mud and

it’s Just that like packed–it’s like Soft-serve ice cream.

It comes out like that, but not A lot at a

time.

It’s just–it’s almost like a– And I don’t know if my organs Are just–I’m way too fat in the

Middle to–for as little as I Eat.

I just–it’s just in the middle Part is always bloated, so I Don’t know

if my organs from all The drinking, or the liver and Kidneys are swelling up and Pushing against

the Gastrointestinal tract and Making it hard for the shit to Get–like shit has to push its

Way through like a–like an Offensive line, a fourth and one, it’s just–so you gotta– You don’t have to

get the whole Football over the line, just get A piece over the line and we– Touchdown.

And then

my friend the comic on The other line will say, “no, I meant beat up like ticket sales.

How does–

how is–like the Economy is all in the rubbish and–” Oh, sorry about that whole Soliloquy about

my chewing- Tobacco loads of dumps that I Take.

Yeah, tickets are fine.