Opening - George Carlin

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I’d like to begin… I’d like to… Thank you.

Thank you.

I’d like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong.

Fuck him and his balls and his bicycles and his steroids and his yellow shirts and the dumb, empty expression on his face.

I’m tired of that asshole.

And while you’re at it fuck Tiger Woods, too.

There’s another jack-off I can do without.

I’m tired of being told who to admire in this country.

Aren’t you sick of being told who your heroes ought to be?

You know?

Being told who you ought to be looking up to.

I’ll choose my own heroes, thank you very much.

And fuck Dr. Phil, too.

Dr. Phil said I should express my emotions, so that’s what I’m doing.

Now, since the last time I rolled through these parts, and I do roll through with some frequency.

I’m a little bit like herpes.

I keep coming back.