They Want to Show You the Pictures - George Carlin

Then they want to show you the pictures.

Here’s another ordeal.

The pictures.

These little gargoyles that they have loosed from their loins.

A lot of these professional mommies, boy, they think there’s nothing better than having a baby.

Oh, they think it’s the biggest thing in the world like it’s a big event, having a baby.

I call it pumping out a unit.

That’s all they’re doing.

That’s all they’re doing.

Pumping out a fucking unit.

Ba-boom.

Ba-boom.

Like some of them like assembly lines like a factory.

Ba-ba-boom.

Every fucking year, ba-ba-boom.

“Hey, Jeff, want a kid?”

Ba-ba-boom.

“How about twins?”

Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom.

Polluting the earth.

Polluting the earth with these creatures who have no future.

They have no future.

Have you pictured what this planet is going to be like in 40 to 50 years?

It’s going to be a big smoking ball of shit, a big, smoking, flaming, stinking ball of gaseous shit.

That’s what’s going to happen.

That’s what’s going to happen.

It’s irresponsible to have more than one child.

Have one.

Have one child, replacement value for yourself, that’s all.

Don’t even replace your husband.

Don’t replace your husband.

No. He’s done enough fucking damage as it is.

But they want to show you the pictures.

Sometimes, they warn you, you know.

That’s good.

They say, “Hey, you want to see some pictures of my kid?”

No, just describe them to me.

But they show you, and there are two ways you can handle it, I have found two ways to handle the pictures.

The first is the easy way.

You just kind of take it all in stride, you matter-of-factly go along with the game.

“Oh, uh-huh, boy.

Hmm.

Girl.

Yeah.

Older boy.

Older girl.

Good.

Four.

Listen, I have to go wash my crotch.

I’ll see you later.”

Then you get the fuck out of there.

Or you can do what I do, you can do what I do, be a little honest about what you see.

Take a chance.

Tell the truth.

“Look at the fucking head on that kid.”

“Geez, where did he get a fucking head like that?

That thing is huge.

Have you put him on YouTube yet?

Boy, you get a lot of hits with a head like that.

Or put him on eBay.

You might make a little money, you know.

I’m sure some European circus would snap his ass up in a fucking minute, boy.

Goddamn that thing is unusual.

Listen, maybe he’ll grow into it.

You never know with kids, huh.

Hey, let me ask you a practical question.

Where do you find hats for a kid like that?”

Tell the truth.

Don’t be bullshitting people.

Don’t be bullshitting.

There’s enough bullshit as it is, folks.

There’s plenty of bullshit.

Then they want to show you the pictures of the little girl whose second teeth are coming in, and they think it’s cute.

It’s not.

It’s fucking horrifying.

Did you ever look at the teeth coming in on some of these kids?

Did you ever take a good, close look actually in the mouth?

Take a look and see different…damn, sometimes they got two, three rows of fucking teeth coming in there.

All odd angles.

There’s one under the tongue.

That’s unusual, look at that, a sublingual tooth.

What do you know?

Once again, tell the truth.

“You better start saving your money right now, pal.

It’s going to cost you a fucking fortune to fix that.

You’re going to need an international team of orthodontists around the clock just to make a dent.

You might want to call FEMA.

That looks like a real fucking problem to me.

Look at that.

You have the number to the National Guard?

Give them a ring.

That’s good.

Listen, why don’t you just have them all pulled and let her start over again, you know?

Or take a picture of her with her mouth closed.

That would save you a lot of heartache in the long run.

Listen, you’re not Catholic by any chance, are you?

Well, the reason I ask is you might want to take her to Lewards and pray for a miracle over there.”