Howard Hughes Blues - Pig with the Face of a Boy

Well it started quite innocently when I was young

And obsessed with the physics of aeroplane wings

And among other things, with the sizes of peas

Which my special fork sorts with the greatest of ease

I was raised by rich parents

I tell you they daren’t

Permit me to walk with the snails and woodlice

So that’s why Kleenex boxes for shoes are so nice

If I touch something once then I wash my hands twice

If you sneeze on my shirt I’ll burn it in a trice

So don’t touch, I don’t know where you’ve been

I literally fly in the face of great danger

No fear that I’ll die;

my concerns are far stranger

So when you see me hit a tree in a field

Make sure that the medical kit is well sealed

For the germs have no mercy and will never yield;

Broken bones are okay if they’re clean

Haircuts are bad

And the one I just had

Got me nicked on the ear, and the blood made me fear

That I might get infected and so I injected

Ten gallons of milk in my rear

Perhaps I’ll have my hair and nails cut this time next year

I am all too aware of the hygienic issues

And I am not scared, for I’m armed with ten tissues

One hundred milk bottles arranged round my door

They’re there to insure that the urine I store

Is sterile and healthy;

I’m weird and I’m wealthy

I’ll live for a thousand years more

All food is diseased so I rarely eat dinner

No sickness in me, though lately I’m thinner

At least I have three dozen doctors on call

They tell me I’m fine but I still doubt them all

So each germ who sees will read «No Germs Here Please»

Inscribed on the sign on my wall

Don’t play with my food, cause you’ll only upset me

And dust off your coat, or your illness will get me

It’s far less contagious out west in Las Vegas

With clingfilm on pillows and sheets

Sorting green food from brown and dairies from meats

Now hark and you’ll hear of my latest collection:

I’m fetching all food chains who’ve ever been Texan

My favourite toenail is now more like a claw

It’s handy for stabbing the bugs on the floor

I take a great interest in Jane Russell’s breasts

As her nipples count 1 — 2 — 3 — 4

Preserving my health in my self imposed quarantine

Freer of dirt than I’ll warrant you’ve ever been

Ice Station Zebra is screened once again

My friends come to call, bringing virulent strains

Of syphilis, scrofula, lurgy, consumption and gout

But there’s no way for them to get in, or for me to get out

Q — U — A — R — A — N — T — I — N — E