I'm British - Professor Elemental

I begin every sentence with an apology.

Sorry that’s the case.

That’s just British policy.

Probably the case with, Everything in honesty.

I use ten words when two would do, honestly.

I’m British.

And that makes me unique.

At least I think so, when I hear you speak.

See we used to have an empire, but we got a little cocky.

Like haha, Johnny foreigner, I’d like to see you stop me.

And sure enough, we rhubarb crumbled.

Now in every town, all the drunk teens stumble.

I’m rather glad really, it may look all humble.

Coming and ask me where I’m from, dear boy, I wont mumble.

I’m British.

I don’t want to be fantastic.

Just adequate, and if I’m nice it’s probably sarcastic.

ridiculously cynical that’s what we’re like.

If you can’t take a joke, get on your bike.

I’m British.

Like a clotted Cream Tea.

Aplogogetic, morris dance then you must be me.

I’m British.

Like the wicked’s in Cricket’s.

Like crikey, blimey, nice one, wicked.

I’m British.

as a fat dame in a panto.

Like Woodhouse, Orwell, Wells and Poe

So if you’re down with the Brits then make some noise.

But if you’d rather not, that’s fine.

We’re ever so nice to our pets.

And we know not to work too hard.

We’re inventive, accepting, eccentric.

And yes, I suppose we’re a bit bizarre.

But if you delight in celebrities taken down.

Just because of the way they live.

Or you can feel bleek joy in a sea side town as the rain pours down on your

chips.

Or you can drink ten pints of adnams.

Without ever breaking your stride.

Or repress your emotions and passions.

And bury them deep inside.

Then I’ve kept a room in a crampt B&B.

With a TV that only shows BBC2.

And I have the keys right here.

I’ve been keeping them just for you.

I’m british.

As Williams, James, Hatty Jakes.

School dinner, roast dinners, massive cakes

I’m British.

As a chimney sweep.

Chim chim chiree

Or a professor in a pith accompanied by Chimpanzees.

So if you’re down with the Brits then put your hands in the air.

But if you’d rather not, that’s fine, actually.

I mean I don’t want to cause too much of a fuss.

Well, at this point I’d just like to take a moment to apologise on behalf of

Britain for all the things that we’ve brought to the world

Simon Cowell, for example, and eh, Jim Davidson.

Fox hunting.

Black pudding.

Racism

But most of all, we’re all terribly, terribly sorry about Piers Morgan