Loki vs. Count Olaf - The Stupendium

RAP BATTLE!

LOKI!

VERSUS!

COUNT OLAF!

BEGIN!

Loki:

Oh, then you’re surely joking!

You must be the reason Odin still hasn’t awoken

Your whole broken series of prose

Must’ve bored him to tears from the open

Put the Boudelairs' chosen heirs in woes for their fortune

Yet Poe tends to be more potent

Look away, or the bitter, grumpier Mr. Tumnus

Will pluck your eye out with his goat chin (Ha!)

Long ago, you lusted over the stage

Your dreams were crushd because you skipped lg day

Watch the God of tricks Ragna-rock a diss!

Like Violet’s signature, you’re left not dominant

Are you close friends with Heimdall?

Cuz that nose bridges the nine realms!

So many flaws like a hotel

If only your folks had raised you better

Than you raise that eyebrow

As a villain you are so trivial, its outrageous!

I influenced millions to bow down and make way

You’re insignificant, ridiculed by children without safety

Tried pilfering riches but ended up Klaus chasing!

Marvel’s undebated talking film adaptations

You placed in a railroad scene, it was so much of a trainwreck!

Im shapeshifting, you’re out of shape, shifty!

When this snake’s bit ya like your dad you’ll have holes in your pale neck!

I doubt this sleazy creep could even read of the evil deeds iv’e been completing

This mortal being ought to steal some mischief from me, please!

Even if you look me up, you’ll still be beneath me!

Olaf:

What was that sloppy verse?

I wanted roast beef, dammit!

So call me the Hulk, this rap is low-key slapping!

Out of both of Odin’s sons you’re the only one

Looking like an Avatar carcass!

(James!)

When fighting fire with an arsonist, you better keep your ass guarded!

(Flames!)

Old man, your whole plan got out of hand, thats so sad!

Im Olaf but this dope dropped off the bridge like «Bye, Frosty the Snowman!»

Your bro’s the GOAT of Gods, you’re the God of Goats

If you swallowed your pride, you would probably choke

I dont got that hocus pocus or that mind control

But still keep my staff under my control!

You’re so horny, but I get it dude

Your whole family tree’s a fucking petting zoo

Heard your pregnancy was violent, not surprised your poor privates are blue

Remind me not to go horse riding with you!

Of course, im more striking than Thor’s lightning

My author could better Handler task of writing

Adored ideas than the broad psyche of norse vikings

Who thought «Right!

What if a court jester had horns that were all spiky!

Is it just me, or is it melting in here?

Somebody toss me water

After all, im still parched…

Loki:

…from thirsting over my foster daughter!

You met Kit Snicket and she thought you were a fun guy

Being with you killed her harder than the fungi!

Then you had a girlfriend, but she wasn’t down for the Count

Once she was in, you had to opt out!

I see through your acts and the threats you excrete

A count more fabricated than Sesame Street’s!

Take this scepter beneath your chest ending your spiel!

Im not talking Patrick Harris when I get you to kneel!

Snicket:

Now Count Olaf has just been burned.

A word here which means personally hurt by

the deep meanings in Loki’s quick quips.

However… when you are as blindsided

as Olaf, you might not know when to q-

Olaf:

Quit the talk!

Compared to my seas your threat’s pale!

Your directors never let your story arc set sale!

I study snake biology, not mental health

But with that family drama, you should get help!

After Thor’s image fleeted, I needed a kiwi

To save my series of unfortunate screenings

And I thought I could be loved by my father and Thor but no!

For you, thats not how the story goes!

Funny how balance is your boss' schtick

Yet he left your neck in bits before you got a split

Your birth family left you to melt like a frost kid

Gave you the could shoulder, Odin had to let ya Hopkins!

Asgard died and your lives were disrupted

No VFD could save its Very Fiery Destruction

Go drown your shame in your bar with no doors

'Cuz iv’e taken advantage of another spoiled orphan!

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

THE NEXT RAP BATTLE IS ON THE WAY!