Cold Blooded Christmas - Jon LaJoie

It was late at night on christmas eve

I was dreaming of the soft white snow (white snow)

I was awoken by a noise near the christmas tree

What it was I did not know

It was santa claus, he was bringing me some gifts

Unfortunately I did not know that (I didn’t know)

So I quietly snuck up behind him

And I shot him five times in the back

It went «bow, bow, bow, bow, bow»

He said «what the fuck — ow, ow, ow»

Then I shot him three more times in the head

Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead

That’s when I noticed his blood-soaked beard

And his red suit filled with bullet holes (oh, oh)

I said «Oh my god, I killed santa claus —

I’m not going to jail for this asshole» (Hell no)

So I went do my shed and I got my saw

And I started to chopedy, chop, chop (chop, chop, chop)

I started with his arms, then his legs, then his head

And then the torso was a really long job

And the blood went spurt, spurt, spurt

It was really hard work, work, work

It was hard cutting through his spine

I must have vomited 16 times

I burned all the pieces in my fireplace

The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose

11 hours later there was nothing left

Then thats when I heared my telephone

It was aunty Gene looking for uncle Bob

She said he left the house dressed as santa claus

But he didn’t come home last night

«Have you seen him, god I hope he’s allright»