My 7-Year-Old Is Better Than Me - Louis C.K.

Anyway, I got two.

And the seven-year-old, she’s no trouble now.

That kid’s amazing.

She’s better

than me.

She’s smarter than me.

She’s more decent.

She’s cleaner.

Like, she comes out of her

room all dressed with a little bow.

She’s like, “Hi.

Good morning, daddy.”

And I’m in my

underwear, like, “uh, hi.”

I keep trying Not to screw her up, because she’s headed for a great life

unless I fuck it up.

That’s basically What’s going on.

I’m not-I’m not A father anymore.

I’m just a

fat landlord.

I don’t really matter.

Like, the other day, she was Asking me all these questions.

And

I totally hear- She’s asking me stuff, and I’m just trying to tell her what I know to be the truth.

But

you can’t just do that.

There’s some shit That’s true That you can’t tell your kids when they’re

certain ages.

I know that sounds simple, But you don’t know all the time Until you fuck up.

I’m

talking to her, And she goes, “Daddy, does the earth Go around the sun?”

And I was like, “yeah.

”

She goes, “does it do it All the time?”

And I go, “yeah.

” She says, “will the earth always Go

around the sun forever?”

And I was like, “Well, no, at some point, The sun’s gonna explode.”

She’s seven years old.

Do you understand how horrible that is?

She started crying immediately.

Crying bitter tears for the death of all humanity.

And here’s how I tried to save it.

I go, “oh,

honey, This isn’t gonna happen “Until you And everybody you know Has been dead For a very

long time.”

She didn’t know any of those things, and now she knows all of those things.

She’s

gonna die.

Everybody she knows is gonna die.

They’re gonna be dead for a very long time, And

then the sun’s gonna explode.

She learned all that in 12 seconds at the age of seven.

She took it

pretty well.

I was proud of her.

She’s like, “oh.

Dude.”

“Okay, well… I guess I’ll go play.

I don’t…”

She’s had a tough year, That kid.

I feel really bad.

Lot of bad things happened to her this year.

This summer, she got bit by a pony.

I’m not kidding.

A pony bit her.

How do you more break a

little girl’s heart?

Than a pony bi- that’s like being raped by Santa Claus.

It was the worst thing

that ever happened, And it was made worse by the fact that it followed the greatest moment of

her life, because she’d never seen a pony up close.

We just never were fucking- shitty parents.

We never gave her, like, a pony ride.

And last summer I took the kids to Italy.

I took my girls to

Italy For whatever reason.

I don’t know why.

And we’re in this farmhouse In the middle of

nowhere.

And I put ’em to bed, And I come outside, And there’s ponies.

They just showed up Out

of nowhere.

Just wild ponies.

Like 50 ponies.

I’m not fucking with you.

A huge amount of ponies.

And one donkey.

I don’t know why.

There was one donkey Hanging out with the ponies.

And

they’re just la- And I’m like- And I run downstairs, And I wake her up.

The little one, fuck her.

She’s not making memories.

Who cares?

It’s not worth it.

I take the seven-year-old, And I bring

her outside, And she’s standing barefoot In her pajamas.

And it’s dusk, And it’s ponies, And she’s

like- And I’m like, “I’m the best fucking father.

“I’m the best father.

Yeah!

“Yeah!

Look at that shit!

That’s right!

I gave that to you!”

And she starts walking out Towards the ponies.

She’s like, “Can I go near them?

I’m like, “yeah.

” I’m an idiot.

I’m like, “yeah, totally.

“Go on out there, honey.

“You’re only outnumbered 50 to 1 “What could possibly happen In a sea of wild ponies?”

And

she walks out, And there’s this one, Beautiful, speckled pony, And as she’s walking towards it, I’m

an asshole, ‘Cause I don’t read- It’s going like- It’s totally going, “Dude, no.

“Not-I’m not one of-

Fuck it.

“Get her out.

Get her out.

“I’m a-dude, I’m a fucking Italian wild pony.

Get her out of

here.”

Can I go, daddy?

I’m like, “yes, totally.

Go up to the pony.”

She walks up to the pony, And

she turns to me and says, “He’s beautiful.”

And as she’s saying that, the pony bites her on the

fucking leg.

And she screams.

It didn’t break the skin, But it was an awful bruise.

And I grab her

and I run inside.

And she says, “why, daddy?

Why did the pony bite me?”

And I said, “I don’t

know.

” And she said, “Do ponies bite a lot?”

And I’m like, “well, yeah,” ‘Cause I don’t want her

to think That she’s so horrible That the first pony ever Bit her.

I go, “yeah, honey, Ponies bite,”

And she goes, “well, Why did you let me near it?”

She’s like, “dude, Make a fucking effort.

” And

then we’re in the house, And she says- This is how great this kid is.

She calms down, And she

goes, “I want to look up about ponies biting.”

Like, that’s how she thinks.

Something upsets her,

She wants to look it up and learn about it.

She says, “I want to find out Why they bite and what

people say about it.

” So we go and we do look up about ponies, And it turns Out they’re

assholes.

They bite all the time.

And there’s all these websites that talk about what to do when

your pony bites, and it’s like everything else on the internet.

It’s just fighting.

Just people angry

at each other.

The first guy says, “you got to punch the pony right in the face.”

Just punch it right

in the face.

Then the next person says, “You’re a terrible person.

You should have your ponies

taken away from you.”

The next person was my favorite.

They go, “people who don’t punch their

ponies make me sick.”

So we really are a divided nation.