Taking Sexual Inventory - Louis C.K.

I tried to, like- The other day I was, like, okay, take a sexual inventory here.

What do you got left,

You know?

And I went- I took off my clothes, And I stood in the mirror, And I looked in the mirror,

like, a full-length mirror, naked.

I’ll never do that again.

I don’t need- I don’t need to do it.

I can

go my whole life without doing it again.

I’m going to.

I’m not in good shape.

I’m not in the worst

shape.

I mean, I went to a doctor, and he gave me the whole 41-year-old thing.

He’s like, “all

right, well, Your cholesterol is high, “But I don’t expect you To do anything about that.

“And your

prostate’s A little bit too big.

“Let’s go ahead and let it Be a little too big.

And you’re only

cosmetically overweight.”

I was like, “what?”

He goes, “Your overweightness, It’s not a medical issue.”

I’m like, “well, so then you didn’t have to say anything.

Why-why did you even bring it

up?”

You’re just saying, like, “Well, medically speaking, You don’t have a weight problem, but

you look gross.”

That’s what he’s saying.

I’m looking at myself, And here’s the problem, Is that I

didn’t even wear down evenly.

Like, different parts of my body are older than others.

Like, my

dick and balls don’t even match each other.

Like, my balls are older than me.

They’re, like, the

old- I swear to God.

I’m 41 My balls are, like, 72 They’re really old, and they just kind of hang

there.

They’re just hanging, like… They look like they’re being rescued by a helicopter from a

mountain.

They’ve been trapped on a mountain together.

Zipped together in a sleeping bag.

“If

we ever get out of this, I’ll never call you lefty again.

I’m sorry.

” And then my dick is, like, happy

and shiny and young-looking.

My penis is, like, a young, 21-year-old guy walking down with

these two old guys following him.

Hey, man, hang back.

I’m trying to get some pussy.

Get out of

here.

“Wait for us.

” And at some point, I got to show this shit to some poor, unfortunate woman

that has to see this fucked up package of mine.

I don’t know what- Like, I’ll tuck my balls

between my legs.

“I don’t have balls.

I just have a penis.

Is that okay?”

That must be weird for

women, that you don’t know what kind of dick and balls you’re gonna get until it’s way too late.

Like, it’s the last thing you see.

And it doesn’t seem fair.

It should be the first thing you see.

Every

date should start With a guy taking out- “Is this gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.

It’s gonna be

worth my time.

Go ahead and put it away.

We’ll deal with it later.”

‘Cause you don’t- You don’t

find out till you’re Looking down the barrel of it, And it’s really too late now.

Like, “oh, Jesus.”

And the dick’s looking up at you, And it’s all… Like, “this is, Like, a Dr. Seuss tree.

“I don’t even-

It’s all yellowy brown with sprigs coming out.”

And women are so nice.

I don’t know a single

story of a woman who finally gets a guy’s dick out and goes, “No.

That-no.

“That’s not your dick.

Come on!

“Take out your penis.

“That’s not a penis.

That’s bullshit.”

They just go, “okay.

Oh, fuck.

What hole can I put this in that’ll depress me the least?”

And I have- I have met some women

since I been single, and they’ve been younger, mostly, because women my age- I like women my

age, but they’re mostly either married with children or in a room alone, angry and crazy.

One or

the other.

They’re not out looking to fuck a comic, generally.

But young women are up for

something.

They’ll fuck you and do other things later.

Like… And also, with younger women, I’m

in competition with younger guys, and younger guys are not very subtle.

They don’t really know

how to talk to a woman even their own age.

They’re just kind of all- Like, penis skin’s been

grafted on their whole body.

They’re just- “Can I-is this… “Is this is a fuck date?

‘Cause I… I just

want to put my come In your body.

” It’s just a lot of pressure.

And then the young woman

Meets me, And I’m like, “hey, look, “I’ve been jerking off in the guest room for 15 years.

“I’m like

the man in the iron mask.

I’m just happy to be out.”

Young guys are- they’re afraid of women.

They’re afraid of their feelings.

“My girlfriend’s mad at me!”

Well, later she won’t be.

Fucking

calm down.

They’re afraid of their bodies.

They’re afraid of women’s bodies.

“My girlfriend’s

having her period.

What do I do?”

Fuck her in the period hole, you idiot.

What is-what’s the

dilemma?

I don’t give a shit.

If you’re having your period, come on over.

I’m 41 I’m-I’ll fuck the

shit out of you.

I’ll drink the blood.

Let’s party.

Thank you very much, guys.

You guys-you were great.

Thank you.