Dumb Thoughts - Louis C.K.

So this is A beautiful theater.

I like what I do, Because I get to work In a lot of different places.

And, uh, recently I did a show in New Jersey In the auditorium of a technical High School.

I forgot

that existed, technical High School.

That’s where dreams Are narrowed down.

That’s- ‘Cause we

tell our children, “You can do anything you want.

” Their whole lives.

“You can do anything.

” But

at this place, We take kids- Like, they’re 15 They’re young.

And we tell them, “You can do eight

things.

We got it down To eight for you.

” And I’m not saying These people are stupid.

Because

I’m stupid.

I really am stupid, And it bothers me.

Like, I wish I was more stupid, ‘Cause then it

wouldn’t- I would-just all My thoughts would just be- But instead, Here’s how my brain works.

It’s stupidity Followed by self-hatred And then further analysis.

It’s not a very efficient System of

thought.

I have these dumb thoughts, “Duh,” And then I go, “what the fuck Is wrong with you?”

And then I figure it out.

But the impulse Is always stupid.

Like, I saw this guy In New York one day, And he’s walking his dog, And this is what I saw.

The

guy’s got a- He’s got a coffee And a dog on a leash, And a phone.

He’s on the phone.

So he’s got

His phone like this, And the dog’s leash is going From the phone hand to the dog.

And I look at

this and I go, “Oh, he’s got, like, A dog phone.

” Like, that thought Sincerely inhabited me For,

like, a full minute.

I’m going, “oh, I wonder What the benefits are To hooking Your phone up to a

dog.

” And then the other part of me Had to go, “Why the fuck Would that exist?

You asshole.

“

I had a string of bad- Dumb thoughts the other day.

I was-I don’t remember What town I was in.

I was on the road.

I was just standing In front of my hotel.

It was 5:00 in the afternoon.

That’s

usually what I’m doing At 5:00 in the afternoon.

Just standing in front of my hotel.

Because I’ve

been Inside all day.

Just with the jacking off And the ice cream.

It’s just horrible.

It’s, like, a

horrible thing.

All day.

Just depths of fucking hell.

Just-I wake up, I get, like, chicken wings.

Shit

nobody eats At 10:00 a.

M. Like, really-hot wings And I eat ’em all, And then I’m like, “uh… ” So I

get ice cream To cool it off, you know?

Like… And then I feel worse, So I jack off and pass out.

I

turn off my phone In case my kids call.

I can’t fucking face anybody.

I wake up covered with

Three kinds of shame glaze Just covering my body.

And so right around 5:00 In the afternoon It

starts getting dark, And I’m like, “I got to be In the daylight just once.

” I have to at least One time

in the day Be in the daylight.

And that’s- I just stand there.

That’s it.

Like a fucking mental patient

In a bathrobe.

Just- Cigarette burns On the robe and shit.

Some girl telling me She got married.

I’m not listening.

“Daddy, This is my husband.”

That’s what it feels like, Anyway.

And I started

Looking at people, And they’re all crispy-clothed And rosy-cheeked And full of purpose, And

they’re making me Feel worse.

And I’m about to go back In the hotel And jack off another time.

And then I look across the street And I see this couple, And they were just striking.

They were a

beautiful couple.

It was a beautiful woman With a beautiful man.

I’ll say he’s beautiful.

I got no

problem with it.

I’ll suck his dick too.

I don’t need your permission.

I don’t care.

Walk right over

there And suck his dick.

I mean, I never did that, But I’m 41 Maybe I’ll do the second half gay.

I

don’t know.

It remains an option.

There’s got to be something to it.

Those folks are having a

good time.

They have parades.

They-there’s no parades For how I get laid.

They have parades.

Marching down the street To celebrate that They blow each other And fuck each other In the ass.

Smush their vaginas together, Or whatever that one is.

Whatever wonderful thing Those

folks are doing That’s none of my business.

So I-okay, So I’m looking at the couple, And they’re

walking On the other side of the street, And they have a child with them.

But I can’t see their

child, ‘Cause there’s, like, A dumpster and some other stuff.

I just see, like, A little head.

And I’m

waiting, I’m curious What their kid looks like, Because they’re so beautiful.

Maybe I want To fuck

their kid.

I don’t know.

That-that’s just me Saying something terrible Because it makes me laugh

That it upsets you.

That’s all that is.

Just so you know.

It’s just-it’s just enjoyable To me that

you’re upset.

That’s all it is.

I’m not gonna fuck a kid.

I wouldn’t do that.

Maybe a dead kid.

Who

are you hurting?

He’s dead.

Who are you hurting?

I’m not saying I would kill A kid and fuck him.

I’m saying if I found A dead kid in a field And it wasn’t raining, I might take a shot.

I don’t know.

I

haven’t been In that situation.

All right.

Oh, sorry.

All right.

Okay.

So I’m looking At the couple,

and… They got a kid with them, And I’m curious What their kid looks like.

And they come Around

the corner, And they’re-and this Is a true story.

It wasn’t a kid.

It was a little old chinese Woman

walking next to them.

And here’s what My dumb brain tells me.

I go, “oh, that’s what Their child

is like.

” Not like, “oh, she’s A separate person.

She’s not with them.

” I’m like, “Oh, that young

couple “Gave birth to a tiny, Elderly Chinese woman.

Isn’t that interesting?”

And then the other

Part of me had to go, “Dude, you- “Yeah, that’s what happened.

Yes.

Asshole.

” And then I was

looking At the little old chinese lady.

She was-there was A beauty to her.

She’s just tiny, little, Old

ch- I was staring at her ‘Cause I was fascinated by her.

I don’t know anybody like her, And I am so

not A little old chinese lady.

That I-I was like, “What are her thoughts?”

That was what I was

burning inside with.

What is she thinking Right now?

I can never know.

And I really-the dumb

brain Is telling me That she’s just thinking- That’s how dumb I am.

That I think chinese Gibberish

that I made up… Is in her Actually chinese mind.

That’s all.

Just- “Me chinese.

” Course I didn’t-I

can’t know What she was thinking.

She could be thinking Anything.

“Eh, black people steal.

” So

I’m like- She might- I’m not saying they steal.

I’m saying that fucking Racist chinese lady Might

have been thinking it.

She might have been.

It’s possible.