Being Single Again - Louis C.K.

Uh… I don’t know how to start shows.

It’s just a problem that I have.

I never… I never figured out

how to come out and just start talking, because the first thing you say on stage always feels

stupid, Because there’s no real reason for me to talk to you.

It just doesn’t exist.

I don’t know

you.

You don’t-you’re- You don’t even know each other.

You’re facing The same direction.

That’s

all you have in common.

So I just have to… Bleh!

It’s like talking To a girl at a bar Because You’re

attracted to her.

The first thing you say Is just gonna be dog shit Coming out of your mouth.

Because you don’t know her.

The only honest thing That you could say to her Is “I want To fuck

your face.

” That’s the only thing You could say That you could mean.

Anything else you say Is

you trying really hard Not to say “I want to fuck your face.

” That’s the only thing you’re- “Hi, I

want To put my penis in… The lowest hole In your head.

“

I was never good at that.

Like, I was very bad At being single, Which is a problem, Because I’m

divorced, So I’m single again.

After ten years of marriage, and- No, here.

Cut the shit.

Don’t even

start With that noise Like a puppy died.

Let me tell you something.

And this is important,

Because someday one of your Friends is gonna get divorced.

It’s gonna happen.

And they’re

gonna tell you.

Don’t go, “oh, I’m sorry.

” That’s a stupid thing to say.

It really is.

First of all, You’re

making ’em feel bad For being really happy, Which isn’t fair.

And second-let me explain

Something to you.

Divorce is always good news.

I know that sounds weird, But it’s true, because

no good marriage Has ever ended in divorce.

It’s really that simple.

That’s never ha- That would

be sad, If two people were married And they were really happy, And they just had a great thing,

And then they got divorced, That would be really sad.

But that has happened zero times.

Literally

zero.

Ray Charles has killed more Jews than happy marriages have ended in divorce.

So if your friend got divorced, it means things were bad, And now they’re- I mean, they’re better.

They’re

not good.

Life is shit wall to wall, But they’re better, so you should be happy.

But the part that’s

difficult is being single at 41 after ten years of marriage and two kids.

It’s-that’s like having a

bunch of money in the currency of a country that doesn’t exist anymore.

Like… Like I found 500

million Prussian francs.

I can’t really take advantage of being single, because I didn’t- I didn’t

expect to be single.

I’m not prepared.

I didn’t think I’d ever be- I didn’t keep this shit up.

You

understand?

I didn’t maintain any of this at presentation condition.

It’s function only.

It was not…

I didn’t think I would need it that way.

I thought I was gonna be shoving it into the same person

every three months till one of us died.

That’s… What I thought was the nature of the deployment

for this… I didn’t think I had to be, like, appealing to someone from scratch.

It’s like having a- It’s

like having a ’73 Dodge dart in your backyard.

And it’s been sitting back there with grass

growing- You don’t have any- It’s not an old mustang.

You have no plans To restore that dart.

You

don’t even see it When you look out the window.

And now you find out That’s your only way to

work.

You need that car now.

And you’re like, “Oh, shit, I- “I didn’t take- It’s got bees in it.

“I

didn’t take care of it.

“It’s full of bees.

“There’s a family of mice living in the tailpipe.

I can’t take

that to work.

” I have no single instincts.

I know too much to be single.

I know everything that

happens now.

That’s no good for single.

You got to be optimistic to be single.

Stupid.

You have to

be stupid.

That’s what optimistic means, You know?

It means stupid.

An optimist is somebody

who goes, “Hey, maybe something nice will happen.

” Why the fuck would anything nice ever

happen?

What are you, stupid?

But that’s the attitude you have to be to be single.

You have to

look at somebody and go, “ooh, maybe… ” I don’t look at it that way, even when I see somebody

I’m attracted to.

I was at a gym the other day.

Why?

Why?

I’m at a gym.

I’m just wearing shorts.

That’s all I’m

doing there.

Just standing there.

And I look over, and there’s a girl on the- you know, with a

ponytail, and she’s on this thing- and I’m looking at her, and I’m like, “oh, she’s awesome.

Shit.

”

But then I start thinking, wait a minute.

I’m single.

I’m on the market.

I have value.

I could say

something to her.

I could just walk up and say something.

And I’m trying to think- “What am I

gonna say?”

What does-what do I look like to somebody like that?

And then I realize It’s been

way too long.

I’ve just been standing there, staring at her.

I want her!

I have no identity In the single world.

I can’t-I look at them, I don’t know what they’re doing.

I- I

tried just jerking off to Girls Gone Wild The other day.

Just to re-enter the community that way.

Just to feel part of it.

And I bought it.

Not the commercial on Comedy Central.

I paid money like a

grown-up.

I put my credit card down and waited for it to come to my house.

I’m an adult.

so I’m

trying to jerk off to Girls Gone Wild.

I can’t do it, ’cause I’m a father.

I’m too old.

I’m just getting

mad at everybody in the video.

I’m like, “you fucking irresponsible bitches.

Go back to school.

What are you doing down there?”

“There’s two wars and a depression.

“Put your-get the oil off

your tits and study, for fuck’s sake.”